From the inside out....

It's almost time. Two days. I'm freaking the fuck out. I know I should be excited but I can't quite get there. I feel like a kid leaving home for the first time. Even though I didn't grow up here, I didn't go to high school or grade school here... I feel like I'm leaving everything I've ever known... i guess I did began a journey here. And it sounds cheezy, but I feel like this was the place I was reborn, started a new life with a clean slate. This is the first place where I've felt like it was home for me. To think of leaving? It gives me so much anxiety. I have so much fear. Really, I don't know if I've never felt so scared in all of my life. And I'm not really sure what it is that I'm afraid of. I feel like I've been pretty good at wearing the mask, but every time someone asks if I'm excited or how things are going with moving, I get so angry. I mean, ANGRY. And anger is not an emotion I typically feel on the reg

Part of me is relieved. I cannot abide liars. I do not judge you. I do not hate you. I am not mad. I'm just disappointed in a relationship I thought was based on our ability to be completely honest with one another. I held up my end of the bargain, but it seems you have fallen short, as we, as humans, are bound to do. I don't give up on this friendship, you've got my loyalty and I've got your back, but I have a different perspective now. And I realize I need to rebuild that barrier between us because I don't trust you on all levels anymore. All I want is for you to be happy. Truly happy. All I can see is this overwhelming sadness and confusion in your eyes. You're so lost. It's enough to make me cry. I leave for Oregon in a few days. I'm excited on so many levels. Good timing for an escape from work, my day to day existence, my petty little problems and stresses. It'll be comforting to see family and old friends and to be traveling wit

Geesh. I've started this thing a few times now. Write a couple lines, then abandon that thought, delete, and start over. If only life were that simple. My unboyfriend called it quits. No more unboyfriend, just friend. It suits me fine. The part I have difficulty with is the why. My mind toggles back and forth with the "fuck yous" and the "why am I not good enoughs". I can't deny there was a little something missing. I go over it again and again. Was it simply the chemistry was not there? Was it because he was closed off or was I? I hate when people try and spare your feelings by feeding you some line about how awesome you are and how "you deserve better than me". It's a total cop out. Does it make you feel better to say that instead of how you really feel? Or is it that you don't know how you really feel? Personally I like brutal honesty. I like to know what's REALLY going on. It puts me as ease. At least most of the

misanthrope or misanthropist (ˈmɪzənˌθrəʊp, mɪˈzænθrəpɪst) — n a person who dislikes or distrusts other people or mankind in general [C17: from Greek mīsanthrōpos, from misos hatred + anthrōpos man] I feel like curling up in a ball on my couch, candles lit, music on... Beyond the fact that I'm sitting up typing this, the scenario is pretty much just that. So emotional lately. I feel alone. I feel like even if I did talk about my "feelings", I'd be setting myself up for judgement, and I just can't go along with that. I just wish I could make people understand. I wish I could understand what's really going on with other people. It didn't used to be like this. I'm not sure at what point I ended up taking this path, but it's pretty miserable and I've pretty much talked myself into a corner. heart   [hahrt] –noun 1. the center of the total personality, especially with reference to intuition, feeling, or emotion: In your heart you know

I've been listening to DeVotchKa like non-stop for the past week or so. I do this. Go through these phases when only one artist or band or album will do. DeVotchKa gets the prize this week. I'm not quite sure what this says about me or my week or my life... I haven't been writing like I want to. Not in frequentness, quality, or creativeness. But I have been re-reading old things. For some reason this brings me nearer to those places that I used to escape to to find refuge from my intolerable life. This is not to say things are perfect these days, but I frequently rely on other ways to deal, manage, and look at life so the urge to escape isn't quite so strong. There are so many things swimming around inside my head that I feel I need to let out. Write it down. Write it down. Write it down. Only it's not that easy. I will digress to my favorite format of the list. 1. Breaking my foot This has been especially challenging for me and not just for obvious r

Last week was hectic and stressful to say the least. I took a break on Wednesday and played hooky from work. I don't think I've ever done that in my entire life. Decided to go to the city and take in a day at the de Young with one of my favorite people in the universe (I call him my 'unboyfriend' for lack of a better term). I can't remember when things felt so right in the world. It was one of the best days I've had in a very long time. And as I made my way through the rest of the week, I realized I really needed to make some firm and well thought out decisions and soon. Finally 5pm Friday came and was whisked away to a beautifully surreal spot down highway one. It was the kinda place you go to get right with yourself, calming, spiritual, amazing... I really could have spent hours there, but it was late and not everyone gets to have weekends off. Saturday came with a trip to Colma to visit Holy Cross Cemetery... no words can describe the history and pu