From the inside out....

The past month or so has been so emotionally draining. For so many reasons. Changes are hard whether they are much needed or not, completely out of your control or made by your own hands, good, bad, happy or sad... Since I'm a big fan of lists, this will be my format for today: 1. Death is a very real part of life and is the end result for all of us, but sometimes it sneaks up from behind... It leaves me to think maybe I should have this or should have done that... Not that anything I did or didn't do could have changed anything... BUT... 2. It's hard watching someone you care about experience so much pain and know there is nothing you can really do to change it. I don't have answers. Only questions. I try so hard to be that support that everyone needs but who's got MY back in all of this? I have only myself to blame for feeling like this, I just don't like to lean... 3. Job searching is a job in itself. I work enough as it is, I feel so stuck. And t...

Wow, this whole blog experiment sure didn't work out quite the way I planned it. My intention was to force myself to write at least once a week, and now look at me... I am still struggling to find words that fit how I feel, words that make any sense to at least myself... I just want to ramble for awhile I guess... That's all I can do. I can't find a subject in my head that's worth thinking about too long... I'm still running in circles, so stressed I can't sleep... I tell myself and others it's because of my job, but really, I know what the problem is and there's no fixing it. At least nothing I've done in the last five years has made much of a difference. I don't know how to detach myself from things and people that aren't creating a positive reality in my life.... I just keep quiet lately and suck it all up. I'm tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself when this whole situation is entirely my own fault. I have these unrealisti...

It's been more of a challenge than ever to make myself put down on paper (or screen) all the chaos that is constantly pushing it's way around in my head. There is so much going on in there. Maybe it's just that's I've gotten better at wearing the mask, protecting myself, putting up that wall so no one really knows what's going on that I can't just spit it out. I've been watching old movies, reading old books and poems, looking at art... All those things, that I can clearly see now, had a profound effect on how I perceived the world, myself, and those around me. I was recently reminded by a good friend about how we had met. Once he got into the story I remembered it, but I thought to myself, really? Was that really me? I was outgoing and not afraid of what anyone thought. I like to think that I'm that way now, at least with the latter part of that statement, I know that I've become socially anxious and don't have the energy or even mu...

So here's my first attempt at a "real" blog, not unlike the "pseudo" blog I used to keep on myspace. I haven't been writing there for quite some time, really, I haven't been writing anywhere. I think I've been struggling so much to keep everything in, I've totally stunted any kind of form of expression that used to flow out of me. This is about to change. I feel like, maybe, posting a blog on this kind of site, not under constant prying eyes of "friends", maybe I'll find it easier to be more honest. More brutal. More concise. If I'm discovered here by people I know, that's one thing. It's a whole other thing to post on the type of site that's too easy too see. Too easy to make assumptions. Not that I need anonymity, but I feel like I need a little bit of separation. If that makes any sense. I'm almost thinking no one will read this anyway so might as well get naked here. We will see. It'll take so...