I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore, I just know that I'm harder to console...
It's been more of a challenge than ever to make myself put down on paper (or screen) all the chaos that is constantly pushing it's way around in my head. There is so much going on in there. Maybe it's just that's I've gotten better at wearing the mask, protecting myself, putting up that wall so no one really knows what's going on that I can't just spit it out.
I've been watching old movies, reading old books and poems, looking at art... All those things, that I can clearly see now, had a profound effect on how I perceived the world, myself, and those around me. I was recently reminded by a good friend about how we had met. Once he got into the story I remembered it, but I thought to myself, really? Was that really me? I was outgoing and not afraid of what anyone thought. I like to think that I'm that way now, at least with the latter part of that statement, I know that I've become socially anxious and don't have the energy or even much of a desire to meet new people. I feel like I've gotten really lost along the way. I guess I'm trying to recapture those parts of my personality that I really want in my life now. I don't know if that's even possible as I'm not quite the same person... I refuse to believe it's impossible. Nothing is impossible, right?
Even as I'm writing this, I don't feel like I'm making any sense. My thoughts are moving so fast, crashing into each other and lost just as they are brought to my conscious brain.
There are so many things I wanted from this life. I feel sometimes like I'm out of time. Like I missed the mark and that's it. No more chances. I'm starting to feel my mortality and I'm running my life on fear. I don't want to do this, but my life sometimes feels like a prison and I'm sure how to break out. I keep trying all these different things, these actions make me hungry for change, but they all fail to give me movement. I guess all I can do is keep trying.
But then it's like I get so tired of all the trying. Sometimes I feel like it's pointless and I'm going through all these motions that get me no results. Sometimes I even find myself doing things that I feel like I should find pleasure in, things I used to find pleasure in, find solace, find myself, my grounded and balanced center... but lately I feel more like I'm running on a hamster wheel. It keeps you occupied, you know you've been doing something, you're exhausted, you might even feel a little sense of accomplishment, but then you realize you're still in the same damn cage.
"Dove that ventured outside, flying far from the dovecote:
housed and protected again, one with the day, the night,
knows what security is, for she has felt her wings
pass through all the distance and fear in the course of her wanderings.
The dove that remained at home, never exposed to loss,
innocent and secure, cannot know tenderness;
only the won-back heart can never be satisfied: free,
through all it has given up, to rejoice in its mastery.
Being arches itself over the vast abyss.
Ah the ball that we dared, that we hurled into infinite space,
doesn't it fill our hands differently with its return:
heavier by the weight of where it has been."
~Rainer Maria Rilke
I've been watching old movies, reading old books and poems, looking at art... All those things, that I can clearly see now, had a profound effect on how I perceived the world, myself, and those around me. I was recently reminded by a good friend about how we had met. Once he got into the story I remembered it, but I thought to myself, really? Was that really me? I was outgoing and not afraid of what anyone thought. I like to think that I'm that way now, at least with the latter part of that statement, I know that I've become socially anxious and don't have the energy or even much of a desire to meet new people. I feel like I've gotten really lost along the way. I guess I'm trying to recapture those parts of my personality that I really want in my life now. I don't know if that's even possible as I'm not quite the same person... I refuse to believe it's impossible. Nothing is impossible, right?
Even as I'm writing this, I don't feel like I'm making any sense. My thoughts are moving so fast, crashing into each other and lost just as they are brought to my conscious brain.
There are so many things I wanted from this life. I feel sometimes like I'm out of time. Like I missed the mark and that's it. No more chances. I'm starting to feel my mortality and I'm running my life on fear. I don't want to do this, but my life sometimes feels like a prison and I'm sure how to break out. I keep trying all these different things, these actions make me hungry for change, but they all fail to give me movement. I guess all I can do is keep trying.
But then it's like I get so tired of all the trying. Sometimes I feel like it's pointless and I'm going through all these motions that get me no results. Sometimes I even find myself doing things that I feel like I should find pleasure in, things I used to find pleasure in, find solace, find myself, my grounded and balanced center... but lately I feel more like I'm running on a hamster wheel. It keeps you occupied, you know you've been doing something, you're exhausted, you might even feel a little sense of accomplishment, but then you realize you're still in the same damn cage.
"Dove that ventured outside, flying far from the dovecote:
housed and protected again, one with the day, the night,
knows what security is, for she has felt her wings
pass through all the distance and fear in the course of her wanderings.
The dove that remained at home, never exposed to loss,
innocent and secure, cannot know tenderness;
only the won-back heart can never be satisfied: free,
through all it has given up, to rejoice in its mastery.
Being arches itself over the vast abyss.
Ah the ball that we dared, that we hurled into infinite space,
doesn't it fill our hands differently with its return:
heavier by the weight of where it has been."
~Rainer Maria Rilke
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