I don't know just where I'm going... but I'm gonna try for the kingdom if I can...
Wow, this whole blog experiment sure didn't work out quite the way I planned it. My intention was to force myself to write at least once a week, and now look at me... I am still struggling to find words that fit how I feel, words that make any sense to at least myself... I just want to ramble for awhile I guess... That's all I can do. I can't find a subject in my head that's worth thinking about too long...
I'm still running in circles, so stressed I can't sleep... I tell myself and others it's because of my job, but really, I know what the problem is and there's no fixing it. At least nothing I've done in the last five years has made much of a difference. I don't know how to detach myself from things and people that aren't creating a positive reality in my life.... I just keep quiet lately and suck it all up. I'm tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself when this whole situation is entirely my own fault. I have these unrealistic expectations on people that I KNOW can't follow through which brings me to disappointment, depression, and hopelessness. I've dug myself in so deep, I can't even see out anymore...
I can't think of a single person I'd feel comfortable talking to about all this, no one. They say you are only as sick as your secrets and if that's true then I'm on my deathbed. I don't like keeping secrets, I don't like keeping things in and struggling to deal with everything all on my own but I don't feel like I have a choice at this point. I don't feel like anyone's got my back, I don't feel like I'd be free of judgement, and I don't trust anyone enough not to repeat my secrets to anyone else.
Awesome.
It's the same old shit, different day. I want to move forward. I want to feel joy and excitement in the little things again. I remember when it was like that for me, I know it's possible. I want to look out at the world in awe and wonder what possibilities are out there for me each day. I miss that feeling. I miss knowing myself and liking myself... And it's not that I don't like myself, it's more like a feeling of ambivalence, teetering on the edge, not sure if I should just throw myself over or step back a couple feet and enjoy the view.
My solution, for now, is to throw myself into creative endeavors. It's the only thing I can do to consciously feel different and still be sober. I can't make any promises, but I am gonna try and make more of an effort to do this stupid blog thing. Post shit that no one but me cares about. Somehow it gives me some sense of relief.
I'm still running in circles, so stressed I can't sleep... I tell myself and others it's because of my job, but really, I know what the problem is and there's no fixing it. At least nothing I've done in the last five years has made much of a difference. I don't know how to detach myself from things and people that aren't creating a positive reality in my life.... I just keep quiet lately and suck it all up. I'm tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself when this whole situation is entirely my own fault. I have these unrealistic expectations on people that I KNOW can't follow through which brings me to disappointment, depression, and hopelessness. I've dug myself in so deep, I can't even see out anymore...
I can't think of a single person I'd feel comfortable talking to about all this, no one. They say you are only as sick as your secrets and if that's true then I'm on my deathbed. I don't like keeping secrets, I don't like keeping things in and struggling to deal with everything all on my own but I don't feel like I have a choice at this point. I don't feel like anyone's got my back, I don't feel like I'd be free of judgement, and I don't trust anyone enough not to repeat my secrets to anyone else.
Awesome.
It's the same old shit, different day. I want to move forward. I want to feel joy and excitement in the little things again. I remember when it was like that for me, I know it's possible. I want to look out at the world in awe and wonder what possibilities are out there for me each day. I miss that feeling. I miss knowing myself and liking myself... And it's not that I don't like myself, it's more like a feeling of ambivalence, teetering on the edge, not sure if I should just throw myself over or step back a couple feet and enjoy the view.
My solution, for now, is to throw myself into creative endeavors. It's the only thing I can do to consciously feel different and still be sober. I can't make any promises, but I am gonna try and make more of an effort to do this stupid blog thing. Post shit that no one but me cares about. Somehow it gives me some sense of relief.
Shawna, this may sound odd, but have you ever tried meditation? Also, the people you converse with; are they understanding and non-judgmental?
ReplyDeleteAs you see talk shows and courtroom dramas, to say nothing of Jerry Springer, there's so much mean spirited-ness and intolerance.
The media doesn't help either by getting on someone who makes mistakes and showing no mercy. Tiger Woods did wrong, but he didn't deserve the kind of public humiliation he got.
There's not a perfect person in the world who has the right to run others down.
Shawna, please read my blog and if you like what you see, email me at vocatus@bigfoot.com
ReplyDeletewe have much we can enjoy discussing.
Cheers