Oh it's hard to resist on a night like this... impossible to withstand when you're holding my heart in your hand...

I've been listening to DeVotchKa like non-stop for the past week or so. I do this. Go through these phases when only one artist or band or album will do. DeVotchKa gets the prize this week. I'm not quite sure what this says about me or my week or my life...

I haven't been writing like I want to. Not in frequentness, quality, or creativeness. But I have been re-reading old things. For some reason this brings me nearer to those places that I used to escape to to find refuge from my intolerable life. This is not to say things are perfect these days, but I frequently rely on other ways to deal, manage, and look at life so the urge to escape isn't quite so strong.

There are so many things swimming around inside my head that I feel I need to let out. Write it down. Write it down. Write it down. Only it's not that easy. I will digress to my favorite format of the list.

1. Breaking my foot

This has been especially challenging for me and not just for obvious reasons. It's understated that showering is hard, getting dressed is hard, standing and doing the dishes is hard, getting undressed is hard, walking to the mail box is hard, taking the garbage to the curb on garbage day is hard... beyond those things, the most difficult task in this whole mess is having to ask for help and relying on other people for things... I can't drive myself anywhere, can't go get groceries by myself, can't get to work by myself, can't just go out for a drive by myself... it's these things that I am having the most trouble with. I'm used to being completely self reliant, at all times. I've been very frustrated. And I've been very grateful for the few that have gone out of their way to make me feel comfortable leaning a little.

2. Letting my guard down

Oh so stupidly I have stumbled down this path again. While I can appreciate so many things on an intellectual level, I have the unfortunate curse of being highly emotional. I can see and value the friendship that has come to be and I wish it could stop there for me. The one person that I have spent the majority of my time with the past few months is now not available for that companionship anymore. Some revolutions and truths have recently come to light that cause me to think I would not find myself in the emotional space that I am if they had been revealed sooner. The whole thing makes me feel like a distraction, something to bide the time with until that shiny new toy comes in the mail. I'm not sure how to decipher mixed messages and am now pretty sure if I am receiving mixed messages it's because I'm the one mixing them up. I used to be really good at keeping distance and seeing things for exactly what they were. Somewhere on this timeline I've lost that ability. I've also lost the ability to control my super power of invisibility. Something I cherish most of the time except when I don't want to be invisible. I guess it's just going to take a special person to be able to want to see me.... Ugh. It's so complicated... the one that does see me is so unavailable it makes me hurt too... It's in times like these that I miss being able to bounce around from person to place to thing without much regard....

3. My job and it's inevitable demise

I have come to the end of my rope with this. I have tried and worked hard and went the extra mile and at one point, loved to do it. Then I took another position within the company, and it's not like I'm not up to a good challenge, but it's not the kind of challenges I can feel good about. Mostly I think it's my boss's delivery of her demands. I can handle my job load if you could just let me do my job. I do not need micromanagement and I get confused as she barks her orders at me like I am a child. I get frustrated as she talks before she thinks and makes no apologies when making strange and unwarranted accusations. I feel used, not appreciated, stressed out, and overall it has considerably affected the quality of my life. I have been actively searching for a different job for the last two years in the area and my attempts have been very unfruitful. I have felt so stuck and stagnate with no windows to look out... Which brings me to:

4. The East Bay

I have decided to get the fuck out. With the recent exodus of my favorite companion, it got me thinking. Maybe I should go too. Go somewhere else. I looked at a few different options including the particulars for my scholastic goals and the East Bay made the most sense. Since making that decision, things have started to fall into place... I will be finding a place sometime in June/July with the best housemates EVER! The prospect of this happening and not having to do this all on my own changes so many things for me and gives me so much hope. Not only do I know with absolute certainty that these people are the only people I could probably live with, having a roommate situation will open so many more doors for job opportunities as it doesn't leave me stuck in a considerably high wage requirement and I'm hoping I'll be able to get in to a good company, even in an entry level position. Plus, I'll be living in a city, near SF, stuff goin on, tons of beautiful parks and views, excellent people watching opportunities, and some actual culture. The only down side is the waiting...

5. Things to look forward to until I get to move

~Elvis Costello
~WonderCon
~Mom and Lex visiting
~Walking normal
~Driving again!
~Art projects
~Getting that zine out... hopefully

The next couple months are going to be about hanging on.... hanging on with everything I got until the much needed changes come...

I have faith that everything is going to work out to it's best possible solution. I don't need to obsess or worry or freak out about anything. Just one day at a time and let the chips fall where they may...