If it's truth that you're looking to find, it is nowhere outside of your mind...
It's almost time. Two days. I'm freaking the fuck out. I know I should be excited but I can't quite get there. I feel like a kid leaving home for the first time. Even though I didn't grow up here, I didn't go to high school or grade school here... I feel like I'm leaving everything I've ever known... i guess I did began a journey here. And it sounds cheezy, but I feel like this was the place I was reborn, started a new life with a clean slate. This is the first place where I've felt like it was home for me. To think of leaving? It gives me so much anxiety. I have so much fear. Really, I don't know if I've never felt so scared in all of my life. And I'm not really sure what it is that I'm afraid of.
I feel like I've been pretty good at wearing the mask, but every time someone asks if I'm excited or how things are going with moving, I get so angry. I mean, ANGRY. And anger is not an emotion I typically feel on the regular. There is something I'm not addressing here, something is terribly wrong.
I think it's so ironic that I'm feeling all this emotion about moving. With the exception of the last 6 years or so, I moved at least once every 3 years since my birth. And as usual, trying to combat these feelings with logic is a walk down a dead end road. I guess I feel a sense of failure in having to move on, a sense of not being able to make things work the way I wanted them to, the way I felt like they were destined to be. But I can't change things. I am not the one in control. I am not the one that gets to direct the show. And I cannot control what other people do, say, or think.
I'm making this move to gain some control over my mental health, I can take some stress, but I know it was time to get a different working environment. I'm making this move to be less lonely, not only will I have awesome housemates but I will also get to share both living and working space with some really friendly dogs. I'm making this move to give myself better opportunities in all aspects of my life.
I need to remind myself of the things that are true, not the things that I think other people are thinking or feeling, not the negative things I tell myself, and not the things I'm leaving behind, but the things I have to look forward too, which includes visiting and keeping the people and things in my life that matter most to me.
And maybe getting more tattoos.
Ha.
I feel like I've been pretty good at wearing the mask, but every time someone asks if I'm excited or how things are going with moving, I get so angry. I mean, ANGRY. And anger is not an emotion I typically feel on the regular. There is something I'm not addressing here, something is terribly wrong.
I think it's so ironic that I'm feeling all this emotion about moving. With the exception of the last 6 years or so, I moved at least once every 3 years since my birth. And as usual, trying to combat these feelings with logic is a walk down a dead end road. I guess I feel a sense of failure in having to move on, a sense of not being able to make things work the way I wanted them to, the way I felt like they were destined to be. But I can't change things. I am not the one in control. I am not the one that gets to direct the show. And I cannot control what other people do, say, or think.
I'm making this move to gain some control over my mental health, I can take some stress, but I know it was time to get a different working environment. I'm making this move to be less lonely, not only will I have awesome housemates but I will also get to share both living and working space with some really friendly dogs. I'm making this move to give myself better opportunities in all aspects of my life.
I need to remind myself of the things that are true, not the things that I think other people are thinking or feeling, not the negative things I tell myself, and not the things I'm leaving behind, but the things I have to look forward too, which includes visiting and keeping the people and things in my life that matter most to me.
And maybe getting more tattoos.
Ha.
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