Thought I knew my mind, like the back of my hand... The gold and the rainbow, nothing panned as I planned...

A little over a month... the newness is slowly wearing off. Things are definitely different. And things are definitely the same. Seems a little like an oxymoron, but it's the truth. I get lazy. I get stuck in routine. I am inherently complacent.

I'm positive that my living environment is substantially healthier, but at the same time I feel like I'm losing big pieces of my core. And it's all in the small things. Like I haven't written anything since I've moved. I haven't cross stitched. I haven't read. I haven't made any time just for myself. I didn't really realize it until I got home tonight to an empty house and immediately fell into some deep retrospection because I don't have the distraction. I seem to have such a hard time finding balance in my life. I've been so focused on being social, visiting and hanging out with my housemates, getting out of the house, and meeting new people that I've totally ignored my need for solace and quiet headspace.

Tonight feels nice.

It's been awhile since I've just listened to music.

It's been awhile since I've been able to just listen to my own thoughts.

It's been awhile since I've just been me with me.

It's been awhile since I've done these things without crying my eyes out.

This is good news.

While all of this is coming to the surface, I know that I need to do this for myself more often. My problem before was that I had no distractions and was ALWAYS in my own headspace.... That obviously doesn't work for me either. I am constantly going from one extreme to the other before I can find the middle path. And just like my initial move to California from Oregon, it's saturated with purpose and direction, I just need to let go a little. There's a significant reason, even if it's not readily apparent to me now...

"And I drove out of there with no one behind me, feeling funny and free..."

Just when you think you know who you are, you're reminded that you are always changing.

And I wouldn't have it any other way....

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