"Wake up child. Let this be a warning. Say the magpie to the morning, don't let this fading summer pass you by..."

Geesh.

I've started this thing a few times now. Write a couple lines, then abandon that thought, delete, and start over. If only life were that simple.

My unboyfriend called it quits. No more unboyfriend, just friend. It suits me fine. The part I have difficulty with is the why. My mind toggles back and forth with the "fuck yous" and the "why am I not good enoughs". I can't deny there was a little something missing. I go over it again and again. Was it simply the chemistry was not there? Was it because he was closed off or was I? I hate when people try and spare your feelings by feeding you some line about how awesome you are and how "you deserve better than me". It's a total cop out. Does it make you feel better to say that instead of how you really feel? Or is it that you don't know how you really feel? Personally I like brutal honesty. I like to know what's REALLY going on. It puts me as ease. At least most of the time. I just think, fuck dude, you totally already hurt my feelings, just push the knife ALL the way in would ya? Seriously though, it stung a bit, but I'm bouncing right back. He really is a good guy and I enjoy his company and friendship, in the end I guess that's what matters... I just get bummed out on the semantics, I'm an over thinker.

So now I find myself back at square one. What the fuck is dating? Mingling? Meeting people? I'm no good at any of it. It's not that I NEED a relationship, I'm just kinda at a point where I thought it was nice having someone around, someone to appreciate the same things as I do, someone to just kinda bum around with and walk through my days with... I'm already missing that. I have a terrible time keeping myself open... I'm not really looking but I definitely want some practice with not shutting myself off to the world. My move to the East Bay should help with that, among other things...

So who's down for an adventure? I am need of one pronto!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Oh it's hard to resist on a night like this... impossible to withstand when you're holding my heart in your hand...

I've been listening to DeVotchKa like non-stop for the past week or so. I do this. Go through these phases when only one artist or band or album will do. DeVotchKa gets the prize this week. I'm not quite sure what this says about me or my week or my life... I haven't been writing like I want to. Not in frequentness, quality, or creativeness. But I have been re-reading old things. For some reason this brings me nearer to those places that I used to escape to to find refuge from my intolerable life. This is not to say things are perfect these days, but I frequently rely on other ways to deal, manage, and look at life so the urge to escape isn't quite so strong. There are so many things swimming around inside my head that I feel I need to let out. Write it down. Write it down. Write it down. Only it's not that easy. I will digress to my favorite format of the list. 1. Breaking my foot This has been especially challenging for me and not just for obvious r...
Read more

I don't know just where I'm going... but I'm gonna try for the kingdom if I can...

Wow, this whole blog experiment sure didn't work out quite the way I planned it. My intention was to force myself to write at least once a week, and now look at me... I am still struggling to find words that fit how I feel, words that make any sense to at least myself... I just want to ramble for awhile I guess... That's all I can do. I can't find a subject in my head that's worth thinking about too long... I'm still running in circles, so stressed I can't sleep... I tell myself and others it's because of my job, but really, I know what the problem is and there's no fixing it. At least nothing I've done in the last five years has made much of a difference. I don't know how to detach myself from things and people that aren't creating a positive reality in my life.... I just keep quiet lately and suck it all up. I'm tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself when this whole situation is entirely my own fault. I have these unrealisti...
Read more

Got to move on sometime, and it's about time, by putting one foot in front of the other...

The past month or so has been so emotionally draining. For so many reasons. Changes are hard whether they are much needed or not, completely out of your control or made by your own hands, good, bad, happy or sad... Since I'm a big fan of lists, this will be my format for today: 1. Death is a very real part of life and is the end result for all of us, but sometimes it sneaks up from behind... It leaves me to think maybe I should have this or should have done that... Not that anything I did or didn't do could have changed anything... BUT... 2. It's hard watching someone you care about experience so much pain and know there is nothing you can really do to change it. I don't have answers. Only questions. I try so hard to be that support that everyone needs but who's got MY back in all of this? I have only myself to blame for feeling like this, I just don't like to lean... 3. Job searching is a job in itself. I work enough as it is, I feel so stuck. And t...
Read more