And I don't know if I've ever been really loved, by a hand that's touched me... And I feel like something's gonna give....
Recently, I made the trek to Oregon to get what remained of my things that I had in storage at my parents house. I finally dove, headfirst, into the imposing rubbermaid container that held so many of those precious moments of my adolescent years. I don't really think I was quite ready for the realizations that came rushing into my head and heart, like a runaway train...
I found a hotel key, an actual key from a time before all the hotels had "card keys" for everything... This one is from the Radisson Inn in Fargo, ND, 1988, room 415. A room I shared with Lani McManus at the Northwest Minnesota Synod Youth Gathering. I have to laugh thinking about it all again... They had a very structured, well organized event with different seminars and various activities for us to do, but Lani wanted to meet people... specifically "dudes" as she always referred to members of the opposite sex. So that's what we did, while riding the elevator up and down, up and down, up and down for about 5 hours...
This was the first of a zillion memories that I have stored and hidden away for all this time. I realized that this year will mark the 10 year anniversary of her passing. I started to cry uncontrollably and even as I write this, I can't stop the tears from coming...
Lani was my best friend. I think the best friend I've ever had in my entire life. Probably the best friend I will ever have in this life. Never once did she break my trust. She never judged, always encouraged. Boosted my self esteem. Never told me a lie. Always had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. I miss her so much.
Then I think of how we drifted apart. How this was almost 100% my doing. How I let fear distance me from the most important person in my life. How I wasn't there for her when she was undoubtedly going through the worst time in her life. It makes me feel like a horrible person.... And I know that even had I done things differently, the outcome may not have been any different, but it's one of those scenarios that does get you thinking, what if? I wonder what my life would be like if she were still around. If I'd call her and she'd still be able to make me laugh.
I read through some letters, and holy fuck. Seriously, laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. She's still got it....
And rather than regret things of the past, I decided to take a look at today. I am still acting out of fear, all the time.
I can't do that anymore. I have to walk through those fears. Stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Start taking action and let the chips fall where they may. If there is anything I learned from Lani, it's okay to have fun and just go with it sometimes, it's okay to let your guard fall and let people in, it's okay to be scared, as long as you don't stay stagnant.
I have high hopes. And if things work out, I'll be making a dia de los muertos altar for you this year in a different city, where I work a different job, and hopefully have a different outlook on my life...
I found a hotel key, an actual key from a time before all the hotels had "card keys" for everything... This one is from the Radisson Inn in Fargo, ND, 1988, room 415. A room I shared with Lani McManus at the Northwest Minnesota Synod Youth Gathering. I have to laugh thinking about it all again... They had a very structured, well organized event with different seminars and various activities for us to do, but Lani wanted to meet people... specifically "dudes" as she always referred to members of the opposite sex. So that's what we did, while riding the elevator up and down, up and down, up and down for about 5 hours...
This was the first of a zillion memories that I have stored and hidden away for all this time. I realized that this year will mark the 10 year anniversary of her passing. I started to cry uncontrollably and even as I write this, I can't stop the tears from coming...
Lani was my best friend. I think the best friend I've ever had in my entire life. Probably the best friend I will ever have in this life. Never once did she break my trust. She never judged, always encouraged. Boosted my self esteem. Never told me a lie. Always had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. I miss her so much.
Then I think of how we drifted apart. How this was almost 100% my doing. How I let fear distance me from the most important person in my life. How I wasn't there for her when she was undoubtedly going through the worst time in her life. It makes me feel like a horrible person.... And I know that even had I done things differently, the outcome may not have been any different, but it's one of those scenarios that does get you thinking, what if? I wonder what my life would be like if she were still around. If I'd call her and she'd still be able to make me laugh.
I read through some letters, and holy fuck. Seriously, laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. She's still got it....
And rather than regret things of the past, I decided to take a look at today. I am still acting out of fear, all the time.
I can't do that anymore. I have to walk through those fears. Stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Start taking action and let the chips fall where they may. If there is anything I learned from Lani, it's okay to have fun and just go with it sometimes, it's okay to let your guard fall and let people in, it's okay to be scared, as long as you don't stay stagnant.
I have high hopes. And if things work out, I'll be making a dia de los muertos altar for you this year in a different city, where I work a different job, and hopefully have a different outlook on my life...
I visited Grant's Pass Oregon, the birthplace of "Tar and Feather the Sissy Boy" and streams.
ReplyDeleteYou're not the only one to feel like a bad friend. It's amazing what confronting those memories can bring up. Bravo for walking through it.
ReplyDeleteIt may be a corny cliche, Shawna, but nobody's perfect and you aren't the only one with regrets about friends. None of us know how it could have been, if only we "would have done it differently". You did the best you could under the circumstances, just as all the others did. You're wise to put the past behind you. Most likely if Lani could tell you, she may want it that way and for you to move on and make the most of now.
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