I'll be the one who'll break my heart....

[grat-i-tood, -tyood]
–noun
the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful
Origin:
1400–50; late ME < ML grātitūdin- (s. of grātitūdō ) thankfulness,equiv. to grāt ( us ) pleasing + -i- -i- + -tūdin- -tude

1. Music
2. Family
3. Amazing friends
4. The ability to support and take care of myself
5. Independence
6. Strength and Courage
7. Lots of books to read
8. Traveling as much as I can and taking lots of pictures
9. My past (no regrets... ever)
10. Not having any dancing skills but dancing anyway...
11. Having patience with myself when I'm emotional
12. Owning my own washer and dryer and not having to go to a laundromat.
13. Having goals
14. Not NEEDING to be in a relationship, but WANTING one, and being content until that comes
15. Not having to drink to change the way I feel
16. Even though I say I don't have hope, I really do, I just don't like to admit it
17. New shoes
18. Wanting more (it keeps me motivated and moving)
19. Not really caring what other people think about me... good or bad.
20. Green apples and greek yogurt

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

The truth be told... not feeling especially grateful today. Feeling spiteful, lonely, angry, pitiful, and sad. I get so tired of risking, throwing myself to the wolves like a piece of raw meat and expecting not to get torn to bits. Not really sure what move to make next. Maybe I won't move at all this time and let the wolves devour every piece of me...

Sometimes I feel trying to let people in is more trouble than it's worth. I don't know how to do things differently.... I don't know how to "play games", wait wait wait, lie, manipulate, cheat... I'm not inherently any of those things. Those are the things I have to work at and really, I'd rather not. It's a hard road for those that wear their hearts on their sleeves, honest with words and actions, trying to practice love, tolerance, and compassion, those are the things that come easy for me.... Too easy... it's left me weak and vulnerable too many times too count... Never the hunter, always the prey...

I take responsibility for my own actions, I get myself into these situations. I know this. I just don't know how to move forward in a healthy loving way without risking my heart being ripped from my body and stomped all over. Maybe I'm just meant to be sad. Maybe that is my purpose in this life, to experience all these different forms of sadness and disappointment... over and over and over and over again....

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